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"She was adopted at birth and taken straight home from the hospital. She didn't experience any trauma or neglect. How is it possible that she is such a terror at home? How can she be diagnosed with an attachment disorder?"
"We thought love would be enough to overcome all the years of hurt and pain he experienced. He was finally in a home where he wasn't being abused. How come he seems to push us away and provokes us to the point of rejecting him?" "How could that mother do such a thing? When things got rough, she just gave up? She put her adopted son on a plane back to Russia all by himself? That's terrible!" Chances are, you've had these thoughts or heard others voice these concerns when confronted with news stories or personal accounts related to adoptions gone wrong. Most of us know people who have been involved in the adoption "triad" (adoptive parent, adopted child, birth parent). While only 2% of Americans are adopted, several studies have revealed that compared to the general population, adoptees are over-represented in the mental health field, criminal justice system, and substance abuse programs. Why is that? What's going on here? While this is a question that requires a complex set of answers, I’d like to take time to explain one main reason that is often overlooked. Most people can understand that an adopted child who experienced severe trauma and/or neglect before adoption will have a difficult journey. Love may not truly be enough to heal those wounds. However, what we may struggle to understand is why children adopted at birth have any residual issues and exhibit behaviors that could be quite severe (such as lying, stealing, hoarding, gorging, and aggression). We all like to think of adoption on the optimistic side of things: a child in need is given a home with a couple that has been longing to have a family. And while this is certainly true, let’s take a moment to look at things from the adoptee’s point of view. Maybe then we can begin to understand what’s going on. At the very heart of the matter, adoption is loss. Adoptees have lost the opportunity to grow up in their biological family, know their birth parents/siblings, and sometimes, to be raised within their own culture and race. While they are too young to have any explicit memories (visual images they can recall in their mind) of their birth mother, neuroscientists have now discovered that even before we are born, we are storing memories in our brains in what is called implicit memory. So even if adoptees are never told they are adopted or are told when they are older, at the most primal, innate level, many adoptees know it and experience it as a loss and a feeling of abandonment. In her book, The Primal Wound, Nancy Verrier, states, “The adoptee was there. The child actually experienced being left alone by the biological mother and being handed over to strangers. That he may have been only a few days or a few minutes old makes no difference. He shared a 40-week experience with a person with whom he probably bonded in utero, a person to whom he is biologically, genetically, historically and, perhaps even more importantly, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually connected.” As a result of adoptees experiencing such a profound loss, many report lifelong struggles with feelings of rejection and abandonment. They may often fear that their adoptive parents or others will eventually leave them. These fears can also lead to feelings of shame. Adoptees conclude that they are no good and not worthy of being loved. As you can imagine, living with these thoughts and beliefs make it difficult to attach and bond to anyone. They may subconsciously engage in behaviors that encourage others to reject them, which then confirms what they believe about themselves that they are no good and unlovable. Given this background, parenting adopted children can be very challenging. When parents discipline by threatening to remove rewards or giving consequences (both of which are necessary and important parenting tools), it often backfires with adoptees. They tend to feel more shame and rejection, which just leads to more misbehavior. However, with the help of adoption professionals and counselors, many have learned how to parent in such a way that the adoptees grow and heal from their wounds, resulting in true attachment and bonding within the families. I have been privileged to walk alongside many adoptive parents over the years. The course I teach has been a catalyst for change for both parents and adoptees, bringing them further along on their journeys toward happiness and healing. Sources: Eldridge, Sherri, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew |
Serving the Adoption, Foster Care, and Safe Families for Children Communities
Showing posts with label Cherry Hill Center. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cherry Hill Center. Show all posts
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Adoption Struggles
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Hope for Parents of Traumatized Children
Has your child experienced abuse, neglect or trauma in the past? Is that child angry, oppositional, lying, stealing, hoarding, defiant, hostile, or aggressive? Are you tired
of the traditional parenting techniques that don’t seem to work?
We have a word of hope for you!
Course Description:
Join us for an 8-week parenting course with other adoptive parents as we explore new ways to break through to our adopted children, despite their past experiences of fear, neglect, and trauma.
This parenting course is based on the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 1. More information on this parenting approach can be found at:
Registration Information
The first session is free for all those
who are interested.
Wednesday, September 15 - November 17, 2014
6:30 - 8:00 p.m.
Cherry Hill Center, Lake Zurich, IL
Each additional session is $40 each. Check with your insurance plan as well to find out if group services are covered. Amy is listed on most insurance panels. Each participant is required to purchase the book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 1.
Books can be purchased from Cherry Hill for $20.
Books can also be found online at www.beyondconsequences.com
.
An initial phone interview is required in order to register for the course so
call today to reserve your spot!
Please contact Amy Tanner at 847-438-4222 x17
Monday, January 20, 2014
Adoptive Parent Training
Cherry Hill Center Presents....
An Adoptive Parenting Class
Are you dealing with an adopted child who is
angry, oppositional, lying, stealing, hoarding,
defiant, hostile, or aggressive? Are you tired
of the traditional parenting techniques that
don’t seem to work?
We have a word of hope for you!
Join us for a 10-week parenting
course with other adoptive parents
as we explore new ways to break
through to our adopted children,
despite their past experiences of
fear, neglect, and trauma.
This parenting course is based on
the book, Beyond Consequences,
Logic, and Control, Volume 1.
March 3 - May 5, 2014
Lake Zurich, IL
An initial phone interview is required in order to register for the course so
call today to reserve your spot! Contact Amy Tanner at 847-438-4222 X17 or
Amy Tanner is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker and has been
working in the field in various
capacities since 1998. She holds a
Master’s degree in Social Work
from the Jane Addams College of
Social Work at the University of
Illinois at Chicago.
Before joining Cherry Hill in 2008,
Amy worked exclusively with
abused and neglected children in
various settings, particularly in the
foster care and adoption arenas.
She has been thoroughly trained in
this Beyond Consequences
approach and is the only Certified
Instructor of this parenting model in
the State of Illinois.
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